Nothing Funny About U.C. Part 2

After about 3 months of getting nowhere with Doc Bunch. The Soldier finally got what he had asked for. Although later he would wish he had never suggested it.
One Monday the Soldier went in for a follow-up and Doc Bunch suggested it was time to send him to the "big boys," luckily he was recommending him to go see a gastroenterologist and not someone that was bigger then him. Lord knows his little bum couldn't take a bigger finger.
Later that week the Soldier asked a really good friend to give him a ride to Landstuhl which was about 45 minutes away. His friend agreed to give him a ride and on the way, the Soldier was thinking that this would be a quick visit.
At the time Landstuhl was not the hospital it is now. The second Iraq war had not begun and the hospital was mostly filled with pregnant wives of Soldiers and the occasional retired Soldier that decided to stay in Germany. Now days the hospital is full of Soldiers that have been wounded in either Iraq or Afghanistan.
When walking into the gastro wing at Landstuhl the Soldier for some reason didn't have a good feeling. It wasn't that he thought he had cancer. Doc Bunch had done all the blood work to rule that out. He just didn't know what was going to happen. Sitting in the waiting room he noticed it was full of very old people. He was by far the youngest in the lobby. He felt like he didn't belong there, but wanted to know what this "specialist" had to say.
A few moments passed and a nurse came in the room and called his name. His friend wished him luck with huge grin on his face. He thought it was very funny that his friend was there to be seen and eventually get a colonoscopy. The Soldier followed the nurse down the hall and was placed in an exam room. The room had a huge chair in the middle. The chair was larger then most he had seen and was in a very weird position. As he was trying to figure out how the thing worked the doctor walked in. He introduced himself as Major So And So. He started reading over the Soldier's chart. He too explained it wasn't cancer. At that point he asked the Soldier to come over to the weird chair and lower his pants and kneel on the footrest. At that point he realized it wasn't a chair at all, it was a mid evil torture devise. He asked the doctor why he had to do this. Couldn't he just read what the other doctors had wrote. He explained that he was the "specialist" and need to take a look for himself.
After the finger the doctor opened up a drawer in a cabinet and handed him a gown and two bottles of fleet enema solutions. The Soldier looked at him in puzzlement. Then asked if he was going to do the procedure now. The doctor gave a small grin and said yes.
The doctor led him out of the exam room to a bathroom. He told him to follow the instruction on the box and he would see him in about 30 minutes. As the doctor was about to leave, he turned around and said to make sure the slit in the gown goes in the back. I guess Soldiers are just stupid and always put the gown on the wrong way.
The Soldier followed the instructions on the back of the box and got changed. The instructions don't say this, but you should know (in case you are ever in the situation) to get all the air out of the bottle prior to inserting the end in your bottom. The bottle is only half filled with solution and the other half is air. You can imagine the gas pains that followed after blowing all that air in your bum.
Once he was finished the Soldier left the bathroom. Once again he was walking down the hall in a hospital gown, black socks pulled up to his knees and his black combat boots were clunking untied down the hall. A nurse led him into another exam room.
The exam room was very plain. It had a table in the middle with a monitor placed next to it and not much else. The nurse told him to get on the table and lay on his left side. When Major So And So entered the room, he began to laugh and told him he must be in the Infantry. The Soldier asked why and the doctor said only an Infantryman would get on his table with his combat boots still on.
As he explained what was about to happen the Soldier asked if they were going to give him some medicine to relax. The doctor explain he was very fast and wouldn't feel a thing. This was complete BULL S*%T!
As the procedure started the amount of pressure that he felt was unbearable. It was like the worse gas and diarrhea pain he had every experienced. He yelled out a few choice expletives as the nurse was telling him to breath. "Breath?" he replied as he told the nurse where he could stick this tube. During the procedure the Soldier watched on the monitor everything that was happening. As the Major came to a place of interest he would press the tube into the sides of his colon and the pain would get worse as blood would pool where he had pressed. The Major explained there must be a small tear somewhere which is consistent with IBS.
After about 15 minutes (fast my ass) the procedure was finished. About half way through the procedure the nurse had to close the door because of the words coming out the Soldiers mouth. Sweat dripped down his forehead and he was very light headed from the lack of breathing. Because he had not been given a local anesthetic they were not able to take any biopsy, which in the end would be a major mistake. The Major explained a little about IBS and sent him limping down the hall with the squishy stuff between his cheeks.
His Friend was asleep in the waiting room. When the Soldier woke him and explained what he went through. His friend gave out a Simpson's "AAAAHHHH HHHAAA".
On the way home the pressure in his gut was unbearable. Germany is not like the U.S. We are spoiled when it comes to the distance between gas stations and rest areas. Between Baumholder and Landstuhl there are exactly zero places to stop. Usually in the company of friends the Soldier would have no problem releasing any pent up gas. But in this case he was so afraid something else would come out he had to hold it. He already knew his good friend would be announcing to the whole company the experience he went through. He didn't want to add fuel to the fire. For some reason with every moan he made the laughter from his friend got worse.
Eventually he was in the comforts of his own porcelain and everything was back to normal. For the time being he was comforted in the fact it was just IBS and with the proper diet everything would be fine. The biggest mistake the Soldier would make was listening to this "Specialist." Little did he know there was a much greater problem taking place in his poor colon.......
And the moral to this story is never have a colonoscopy without any drugs. If the doctors says he's fast, tell him to go to hell and find another "specialist".