Some of you, I am sure have never had the privilege to experience the Army Piss Test (Drug Prevention Program).
Yesterday as I was going through yet another physical (this one is to determine if I am physically fit to stay in the military). I had the pleasure of peeing in a cup. Most of you are thinking whats the big deal? You take the cup, carefully aim and fill it up....... Not so easy when they have someone whom you have never met with the instruction to watch the stream exit the body and enter the cup. As I was standing there, shaking with all the pressure I could muster up. I thought back to Basic Training and what they taught to fire my weapon with deadly accuracy.
"Steady, Aim, Breath, Squeeze!" I can still hear the Drill Sergeant screaming in my ear. Never did I think that it could help in other matters.
Instead of a STEADY fighting position. It was time to take a deep breath and STEADY your nerves. Its never good to have a slight shake when you are trying to fill-up such a little cup.
Instead of getting a good sight picture while AIMing your weapon. It is very important to get a good AIM, lord knows you don't want any on your fingers.
BREATH. They teach you to control your breathing and fire when you are on that slight pause as you exhale. Here too, you need to BREATH. All the pushing in the world is not going to make a drop come out. You need to calm down and BREATH.
And hardest of all, SQUEEZE. Guys you know what I am talking about. There is nothing more painful then stopping in mid stream. But as with AIM you don't want any on your fingers.
I will have you all know, if you too follow these simple instruction. You could be an Expert at peeing in a cup like me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Great...Whats next?
"How about you sit down on the exam table so I can check your reflex's." The VA physician says to me.
"Yes sir." I reply as I am getting on the table.
"Just relax your foot" as he starts pulling down and shaking my foot. "The twitch you had the last time is still there, but it isn't as bad."
I begin to wonder, what the hell he is talking about? I vaguely remember the last physical he performed on me 6 months ago.
"Just relax and close your eyes" he begins to lightly scratch and tap on my face. As he taps on the area right above my upper lip, I hear him utter under his breath. "hhhmmm Interesting."
What the hell is so interesting? I begin to sweat.
"When you are a child," he says. "And you feel something press on your lip, you make a sucking motion with your lips." I open my eyes and see his lips scrunch together as if he was a baby about to latch onto his mothers breast. "As you grow older you loose this tendency. But when I tap on your upper lip you slightly still make the motion."
"So, whats the big deal?" I reply nervously.
"Well, the big deal is between this and the reaction your foot makes. There seems to be something going on in your Central Nervous System. I don't want to scare you but...... This could be a sign of Multiple Sclerosis or other Central Nervous System Disorders."
You don't want to scare me? Jesus Christ! Has he not been listening to my story? First I am misdiagnosed with Irritable Bowl Syndrome. By the time they catch on that it is in fact Ulcerative Colitis, it is too late. Then I take a medicine that has some serious side effect (none of them being Bacterial Meningitis), and I get Bacterial Meningitis. Don't scare me???
Lord, please don't let the stars be aligned just right for this one too. Ulcerative Colitis and Bacterial Meningitis has taken a lot out of me. I am too tired to start fighting something else.....
AAAhhhh, Screw it! Bring it on. Ill kick the shit out of it too!!!!!!!!
Pssssst. Don't worry! He is just an Army Doctor, and what do they know. IBS???? Idiots.
"Yes sir." I reply as I am getting on the table.
"Just relax your foot" as he starts pulling down and shaking my foot. "The twitch you had the last time is still there, but it isn't as bad."
I begin to wonder, what the hell he is talking about? I vaguely remember the last physical he performed on me 6 months ago.
"Just relax and close your eyes" he begins to lightly scratch and tap on my face. As he taps on the area right above my upper lip, I hear him utter under his breath. "hhhmmm Interesting."
What the hell is so interesting? I begin to sweat.
"When you are a child," he says. "And you feel something press on your lip, you make a sucking motion with your lips." I open my eyes and see his lips scrunch together as if he was a baby about to latch onto his mothers breast. "As you grow older you loose this tendency. But when I tap on your upper lip you slightly still make the motion."
"So, whats the big deal?" I reply nervously.
"Well, the big deal is between this and the reaction your foot makes. There seems to be something going on in your Central Nervous System. I don't want to scare you but...... This could be a sign of Multiple Sclerosis or other Central Nervous System Disorders."
You don't want to scare me? Jesus Christ! Has he not been listening to my story? First I am misdiagnosed with Irritable Bowl Syndrome. By the time they catch on that it is in fact Ulcerative Colitis, it is too late. Then I take a medicine that has some serious side effect (none of them being Bacterial Meningitis), and I get Bacterial Meningitis. Don't scare me???
Lord, please don't let the stars be aligned just right for this one too. Ulcerative Colitis and Bacterial Meningitis has taken a lot out of me. I am too tired to start fighting something else.....
AAAhhhh, Screw it! Bring it on. Ill kick the shit out of it too!!!!!!!!
Pssssst. Don't worry! He is just an Army Doctor, and what do they know. IBS???? Idiots.
Friday, May 11, 2007
One Down...One To Go Part: 10
As the Soldier came too, he found himself in a familiar place. Laying in a hospital bed with the Misses and The Parents sitting staring at him. To be honest he doesn't remember much. He had a PCA pump with heavy narcotics hooked up to him. Every 6 minutes he could press the button and he would receive a lovely dose of drugs. The problem with this great machine is it didn't have an external timer. About three minutes after receiving a dose of drugs he would start pressing the button and the machine would make a loud BEEP. Unfortunately the beep didn't mean he was receiving another dose. It just meant he wanted one. He would keep pressing the button until finally he received a dose of the narcotics. Then 3 minutes later the viscous cycle would start all over again.
The Misses couldn't stand to see him in such pain. That night as he tried to sleep she laid in the chair next to him and pressed the button. This is very illegal, but as he would fall asleep he would wake up in such pain that it would take a half an hour to get comfortable again. So she laid there next to him pressing his button all night.
The next day the Soldier felt good. The night before he had gotten up and made a lap around the hospital floor to help his body start recovering faster. He still had the PCA pump but wasn't using it as much. Maybe every 10 minutes instead of 6. All in all the first day wasn't too bad.
The Surgery went well. Dr. Bubba had told his family that the Soldiers colon was very diseased. She said, if he hadn't had it removed it would have eventually killed him. The Surgery had lasted 8 hours. This was longer then Dr. Bubba had expected, but as she was finishing creating the J-pouch the staples had come undone so she had to suture it by hand instead. Other than that everything went fine. He had an incision that ran 5 inches straight down from his belly button. His Ileostomy was on his right side parallel to his belly button, and there was a drain on his left side.
The second day started off bad. He woke up with chills running down his spine. He pressed the nurse call button and as soon as the nurse came in he got nauseous. The nurse handed him a basin and up everything came. Now you can imagine the pain that was associated with this. His stomach was already sore. The pain immediately brought tears. The nurse quickly started giving the Soldier medicine to relieve the nausea. A few minutes later the pain was over. Unfortunately an hour later he got sick again. He spent the rest of the day in bed. Dr. Bubba came in and let him keep the PCA Pump another day. The nausea was probably from the effects of anaesthesia.
Two days later he was released from the hospital. Fortunately for him he had The Misses. She was given a demonstration on how to change his ileostomy. He really didn't think he could do it on his own. He never did well with icky situations. In the beginning the ileostomy gave him real problems. Because he had lost so much weight through the last year, there wasn't much fat around his stomach. Every time he bent over or twisted the ileostomy would get a little looser. Finally it would come right off. Usually the ileostomy should stay on for 3 to 4 days before it needed to be changed. The first couple of weeks it would last at the most two days.
Changing the ileostomy was a real chore. Not so much for him as it was for the Misses. The worst part of the changing process was getting the bag off. When he says "came off" it usually meant just a small section would come loose. The rest of it was "glued" on. To get it off took a lot of alcohol swabs and a lot of time. His skin was beginning to break down around the stoma (the stoma is the opening in the skin where the biproducts of his meals would come out). Every time The Misses would touch it with the alcohol swabs pain went through his body. He knew it wasn't her fault. They were changing it exactly how they were shown. He was just too damn skinny. All in all it would take about 40 minutes to change the bag. Then he would have to lay still for another 30 minutes so the glue would stick.
The pain wasn't horrible. It really hurt to sneeze, cough, and lay down, but other then that it was manageable. He spent a lot of time laying on his couch. The pain meds he was on kept him in a haze most of the day. He was begging to feel a little more useless. Laying around all day while The Misses was at work bugged him. After 3 weeks of doing nothing it was time to go back to work. Dr. Bubba had suggested that he didn't work until 8 weeks after his second surgery. But he figured he could sit and answer phones as easily as sitting watching TV.
Christmas morning the Soldier woke up and was feeling okay. The reason for doing the surgery in early December was to be able to enjoy Christmas. As he sat there opening presents with his family, he thought about just how lucky he was to be there. After presents and a little food he was helping pick up all the wrapping paper when he felt his bag start to leak. The Misses came down and helped change the bag. The Misses did everything she was supposed to and he got in the shower. He must have done something wrong because when he got out his bag wasn't feeling right so they had to change it again.
A few hours later they left to go visit her family. As they were sitting there watching her family he felt a warm burning around his stoma. He went to the bathroom and lifted up his shirt. Sure enough he had started to leak. He cleaned it up as best he could and went and told the Misses what was going on. They didn't have anything to change his ileostomy so they went back to his parents house. He felt really bad that they had to cut their visit short.
After The Misses changed the bag it was already time to go to his Grandma's house. They took a few wash cloths, just in case and went to visit with his family. As they were sitting around playing a white elephant game he couldn't believe what he was feeling. Another leak! He went in the bathroom to see just how bad it was. He didn't want to cut this visit short too. The leak was bad. He went back to the party and told The Misses he had sprung another leak. They didn't have a choice, they had to leave. As he was sitting in the car on the way home he was holding the wash cloth over the site. The bag had come completely off. It was a mess. When he got home he went straight to the shower. He couldn't believe it had come off 4 times in one day.
The Skin around his stoma looked horrible. The stomach acid was slowly eating away at it. The next day The Misses called a nurse that worked at her hospital and asked for some advice. She gave the Misses some ideas to help make the seal around his stoma better. After her advice things seemed to get better. He was able to wear each ileostomy bag for 3 to 4 days, and the skin around the stoma was starting to heal. There were a couple more bad days but all in all they started to get used to it.
He actually started to enjoy not being chained to a bathroom. He still needed to be close to one, but it wasn't the same. He was able to empty it anywhere that had a toilet. Before if the bathroom wasn't clean there was no way he was using it. He would sometimes wait days if they were on a trip and he couldn't get comfortable. And the best part was he didn't have any pain in his abdomen. Finally after 6 years he felt good again.
At the 6 week mark he had to go in and get a pouchogram. If he thought the colonoscopy the army gave him was bad, this was worse. He went to the hospitals x-ray department and was given a gown. He went into a room and laid down on the table and a doctor came in. The nurse prepared a huge bag of barium and connected the bag to a long hose. When he arrived he had no idea what he was in for. He thought it was just going to be another x-ray. Oh was he mistaken. The doctor inserted the tube in his poor bum and began filling his pouch up with barium. Once it was full he thought it would be over and they would take the tube out. No! They left it in. He had to roll on the table to his left and right. After rolling around with the tube hanging out the doctor left the room. He was gone for about 5 minutes the whole time he was in pain. Sweat was running down his forehead and he was begining to feel sick. Te doctor came back in and had him roll around a couple more times so he could take another look to make sure nothing was leaking. Finally it was over. Everything looked fine. The final surgery was scheduled a few days latter.
The Misses couldn't stand to see him in such pain. That night as he tried to sleep she laid in the chair next to him and pressed the button. This is very illegal, but as he would fall asleep he would wake up in such pain that it would take a half an hour to get comfortable again. So she laid there next to him pressing his button all night.
The next day the Soldier felt good. The night before he had gotten up and made a lap around the hospital floor to help his body start recovering faster. He still had the PCA pump but wasn't using it as much. Maybe every 10 minutes instead of 6. All in all the first day wasn't too bad.
The Surgery went well. Dr. Bubba had told his family that the Soldiers colon was very diseased. She said, if he hadn't had it removed it would have eventually killed him. The Surgery had lasted 8 hours. This was longer then Dr. Bubba had expected, but as she was finishing creating the J-pouch the staples had come undone so she had to suture it by hand instead. Other than that everything went fine. He had an incision that ran 5 inches straight down from his belly button. His Ileostomy was on his right side parallel to his belly button, and there was a drain on his left side.
The second day started off bad. He woke up with chills running down his spine. He pressed the nurse call button and as soon as the nurse came in he got nauseous. The nurse handed him a basin and up everything came. Now you can imagine the pain that was associated with this. His stomach was already sore. The pain immediately brought tears. The nurse quickly started giving the Soldier medicine to relieve the nausea. A few minutes later the pain was over. Unfortunately an hour later he got sick again. He spent the rest of the day in bed. Dr. Bubba came in and let him keep the PCA Pump another day. The nausea was probably from the effects of anaesthesia.
Two days later he was released from the hospital. Fortunately for him he had The Misses. She was given a demonstration on how to change his ileostomy. He really didn't think he could do it on his own. He never did well with icky situations. In the beginning the ileostomy gave him real problems. Because he had lost so much weight through the last year, there wasn't much fat around his stomach. Every time he bent over or twisted the ileostomy would get a little looser. Finally it would come right off. Usually the ileostomy should stay on for 3 to 4 days before it needed to be changed. The first couple of weeks it would last at the most two days.
Changing the ileostomy was a real chore. Not so much for him as it was for the Misses. The worst part of the changing process was getting the bag off. When he says "came off" it usually meant just a small section would come loose. The rest of it was "glued" on. To get it off took a lot of alcohol swabs and a lot of time. His skin was beginning to break down around the stoma (the stoma is the opening in the skin where the biproducts of his meals would come out). Every time The Misses would touch it with the alcohol swabs pain went through his body. He knew it wasn't her fault. They were changing it exactly how they were shown. He was just too damn skinny. All in all it would take about 40 minutes to change the bag. Then he would have to lay still for another 30 minutes so the glue would stick.
The pain wasn't horrible. It really hurt to sneeze, cough, and lay down, but other then that it was manageable. He spent a lot of time laying on his couch. The pain meds he was on kept him in a haze most of the day. He was begging to feel a little more useless. Laying around all day while The Misses was at work bugged him. After 3 weeks of doing nothing it was time to go back to work. Dr. Bubba had suggested that he didn't work until 8 weeks after his second surgery. But he figured he could sit and answer phones as easily as sitting watching TV.
Christmas morning the Soldier woke up and was feeling okay. The reason for doing the surgery in early December was to be able to enjoy Christmas. As he sat there opening presents with his family, he thought about just how lucky he was to be there. After presents and a little food he was helping pick up all the wrapping paper when he felt his bag start to leak. The Misses came down and helped change the bag. The Misses did everything she was supposed to and he got in the shower. He must have done something wrong because when he got out his bag wasn't feeling right so they had to change it again.
A few hours later they left to go visit her family. As they were sitting there watching her family he felt a warm burning around his stoma. He went to the bathroom and lifted up his shirt. Sure enough he had started to leak. He cleaned it up as best he could and went and told the Misses what was going on. They didn't have anything to change his ileostomy so they went back to his parents house. He felt really bad that they had to cut their visit short.
After The Misses changed the bag it was already time to go to his Grandma's house. They took a few wash cloths, just in case and went to visit with his family. As they were sitting around playing a white elephant game he couldn't believe what he was feeling. Another leak! He went in the bathroom to see just how bad it was. He didn't want to cut this visit short too. The leak was bad. He went back to the party and told The Misses he had sprung another leak. They didn't have a choice, they had to leave. As he was sitting in the car on the way home he was holding the wash cloth over the site. The bag had come completely off. It was a mess. When he got home he went straight to the shower. He couldn't believe it had come off 4 times in one day.
The Skin around his stoma looked horrible. The stomach acid was slowly eating away at it. The next day The Misses called a nurse that worked at her hospital and asked for some advice. She gave the Misses some ideas to help make the seal around his stoma better. After her advice things seemed to get better. He was able to wear each ileostomy bag for 3 to 4 days, and the skin around the stoma was starting to heal. There were a couple more bad days but all in all they started to get used to it.
He actually started to enjoy not being chained to a bathroom. He still needed to be close to one, but it wasn't the same. He was able to empty it anywhere that had a toilet. Before if the bathroom wasn't clean there was no way he was using it. He would sometimes wait days if they were on a trip and he couldn't get comfortable. And the best part was he didn't have any pain in his abdomen. Finally after 6 years he felt good again.
At the 6 week mark he had to go in and get a pouchogram. If he thought the colonoscopy the army gave him was bad, this was worse. He went to the hospitals x-ray department and was given a gown. He went into a room and laid down on the table and a doctor came in. The nurse prepared a huge bag of barium and connected the bag to a long hose. When he arrived he had no idea what he was in for. He thought it was just going to be another x-ray. Oh was he mistaken. The doctor inserted the tube in his poor bum and began filling his pouch up with barium. Once it was full he thought it would be over and they would take the tube out. No! They left it in. He had to roll on the table to his left and right. After rolling around with the tube hanging out the doctor left the room. He was gone for about 5 minutes the whole time he was in pain. Sweat was running down his forehead and he was begining to feel sick. Te doctor came back in and had him roll around a couple more times so he could take another look to make sure nothing was leaking. Finally it was over. Everything looked fine. The final surgery was scheduled a few days latter.
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