A Cold Day in Hell

You've heard them all, it's a cold day in hell, or when pigs fly. You can choose which you like best but one of them must of happened yesterday. About a week ago I got a message from my Mom that said "You need to call your Father, and be sitting down when you do." I quickly dialed my parents back and my Father picked up the phone. All I was thinking was something happened to Grandma T or to Jeda and the kids. Instead I heard "Well, I did it." "Did what?" "I signed up for cable."


For the past 20 years I have been bugging my Father to sign up for cable. He has always said "hell no!" His hate for cable comes from his first experience with the old cable company. Back in the day cable would tend to go out for hours and hours at a time. It was during this time when my Dad decided to give it a try. After two weeks in which the cable went out three times. He ripped the cable box out of the TV and disconnected all the cable wire from his house. He took it down to the local cable company and placed it in the hands of the poor girl that was working behind the counter and proceeded to tell her where she could hook it up.

About three years ago when I moved out and was able to purchase it myself every time a good game was on, or a good series that was only shown on cable. I would call up Pops and ask him how he liked watching it. He would reply with a "what channel is that on?"

"Its on cable?" I would reply, knowing exactly what he would say next.

"Whats that?"

This has gone on for three years. I think it was when he came over to help around my house that he decided it was about time to get it. That day he was able to chat with his grand kids in Norway over the Web Cam. He realised then and there he was missing out on seeing them every week. Instead of every year or so.


It will be so nice to go over and visit and not have to watch a TV screen that is full of fuzz. And not needing to stand up and play with the antenna every time you change the channel will be great. The only problem is now we have to try and explain how to start chatting, install a Web Cam, and try and explain how the cable remote control works. Crap that is truly going to be like teaching an old dog a new trick. Good Luck Pops, and welcome to the 21 century.

Introducing Jeter

Ever since I discovered blogging. I was always so jealous of everyone with kids. Kids are always doing something amusing to write about. Well, its my turn.

This past weekend Alice and his wife, and the Misses and I went down to Phoenix to visit Alice's Uncle. It is almost a ten hour trip which for me is an eternity to be in a car without easy access to a toilet, but I made it. As we got out of the car I couldn't understand why anyone would want to make Phoenix their home. The heat was truly unbearable.

The reason for this long trip was to pick-up our new dog. Alice's Aunt and Uncle breads Boston Terriers. Alice had let them know we were interested in a dog and they told him they would pick one out for us to have. Luckily Alice's uncle lived in the mountains and it was about 10 or 15 degrees cooler. Which made it almost bearable.

The night before me and the Misses laid in bed and was very excited, it was almost like Christmas. We had been talking about getting a dog for about 6 month and it was finally here. Alice had mentioned that these dogs were very good. He said they were friendly, cute, and best of all house trained. As we walked in Bella the mother of our dog came to great us with a huge smile on her face. Her tail was wagging as she stopped to let me and the Misses pet her. Her puppy was in the pen asleep. The one thing we noticed right away was there wasn't any barking. Altogether there was about 6 Boston Terriers there and none were making a sound. We later found out the only time they do bark is if a cat wanders into their yard. Then the males take off after them with a couple Yelps just for enforcement. I couldn't wait to send our puppy out the door to chase the godforsaken cat that keeps shitting in my yard.

The Misses bent down and picked up the puppy. He looked at her and sniffed her face and then gave her a sloppy kiss. She was in love. We had already decided on a name long ago. I wanted it to be "P.O.S" for Piece of Shit, but the Misses quickly vetoed it. We decided on Jeter. I didn't like the fact that I was bringing something in my house that had the word "Boston" attached to it. I thought the only fitting thing to do was name him after my favorite ball player from the Yankees, Derek Jeter.

Hopefully there will be many amusing situation that will give me more things to write about. Hopefully none of them will involve a stain on my carpet of a hole in my sofa. So it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you the newest member of the Taylor family, JETER

I Love You, and Absolutely I Do

It finally happened, and I have to say it was better then we hoped. For the better part of a year through all my sickness the Misses has been planing our wedding and I have to say she did a wonderful job. Our only argument throughout the whole process was where to host the wedding. We decided to have it up in the beautiful mountains of Alta, Utah. The whole cast of characters were there. Jeda's family made the long trip over the pond, which made the event better with her beautiful kids.

Reverend K created a great Wedding Sermon, to my great pleasure there was no exchanging of vows (I hate public speaking). Although I have been told, I don't remember instead of just "I do", I elaborated it to "I love you, and absolutely do."

The evening ended with a "first dance", no really I think it was the first time we had danced together. Thank you to everyone who put so much into this event. Especially The Best Friend, I couldn't have done everything for the Misses without your help. And Alice, thanks for being a true friend.

Oh yah, to the drunk person who charged $80 worth of booze to a room you weren't staying in.....They made us pay for it. Your Welcome!

Friends?

I am feeling fairly rejected today. For the past three month I have been talking to my two close friends about going Golfing the Friday before my "Big" day. Both sounded excited to be apart of it....back then. Now that the time is here, I have been given the "Dude, I can't get off of work Friday." And "Sorry bro, I am taking Saturday and Sunday off for your wedding, so they scheduled me to work that day."

Truth be told I have been expecting this. Ever since I have been feeling better, one of the only active things I can do is golf. So most every Saturday or Sunday I have been setting up tee times for the three of us. But wouldn't you know they haven't been able to make it. They always have an excuse, sometimes a good one but most of the time not. Lately I have just stopped asking them.

Recently there was a mishap involving one of my best friends couch. Since then, she has said "I have no need for friends like that in my life!" This has become my new philosophy.

My 2 minutes and 40 seconds of Fame.

Recently the local news station heard about my story and seemed it was a good candidate for their "2 Inspire" segment. If you would like to see the end result, here is the link:

http://kutv.com/local/local_story_162004218.html

For those of you that receive my blogs address from Chanel 2's web site, and want to read my story it starts in February on the right hand side of your screen. The 1st chapter is named "There is Nothing Funny About U.C."

The End? Chapter 12

Finally you have been brought up to date. The Soldier is hanging in there. He is back to work and finally getting back to where he was prior to the bout with listeria (bacterial meningitis). It is time to close this chapter. It doesn't mean you wont continue to read about the funny, or sad encounters he has. He hopes he hasn't left too much out. The Misses seems to think it is pretty close to being accurate.

"Where does the Soldier go from here?" You ask. He will continue to fight. Someone very recently wrote a comment that said something about the Lord not giving you more then you can handle. It is true. The Soldier has no doubt that anything that is thrown at him he will make his best efforts to "get some wood on it." Hopefully he will get a break for a bit, just to catch his breath.

There are so many people that have helped me through all this....

I owe so much to Dr. H. There isn't a better Doctor out there. There have been many times he has let me come in to his office on lunch breaks to give me more drugs or just listen to my problems. Thanks just isn't good enough, but will have to do.

Dr. Bubba the Colo-Rectal Surgeon. Thanks for the hugs and all of your advice. After 6 years my stomach finally doesn't hurt. Hopefully I wont have to have another surgery, but if I do I know I will be in the best hands possible.

Dr. Airforce, you gave me a glimmer of hope for Army Doctors. Thanks for the laughs!

The folks at PDR. You are like a second family. The Misses and I could not have made it without your support. I am sorry for all the time off and stress I put on you.

To the Misses family. Thank you Sir and The Missionary for the blessing. I wasn't "there," but I know it helped. To Annette, the Kids, Grandma and Grandpa. Thanks for the concerns and well wishes. I couldn't ask for a better family-in-law.

To my family. I hope I didn't scare you too bad. I owe you all so much. I will never be able to repay you for all you have done. I love you.

Mom and Pops, what can I say. I love you very much. Mom thanks for the 6 phone calls a day. There is no better mother. Pops, I know you were worried when you called that day on your cell phone (something you have ever done). I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

And finally The Misses. I truly owe you my life. There is no doubt that you were and still are my Guardian Angel. I am so thankful you have stuck around through all this. I Love You!

Ranger 6 Delta Out

Chained to a toilet...Part 11

I am sure the 6 people that are reading my blog with regularity can't wait for the next instalment. Truth be told he is having a very difficult time remembering. The last few chapters have been mostly written by The Misses. Sure it is the Soldier that is making the horrible grammatical mistakes but it is her telling him what happened. So from what he has been told this is what happened next:

The Soldier woke up the day of the surgery happy as pig in Sh*t. No more bag!!! There wasn't as much fan fair with this one. He didn't have to drink any of that nasty "go juice." There was no crying on the couch. It was time to move on to the next chapter of life.

He went into this surgery not knowing as much about it. The surgery to remove his colon he spent hours on the internet researching. He was under the impression that they would reconnect his plumbing and everything would be great. Little did he know his life was about to change.

When he came too he was back in a room with the usual cast of characters watching over him. The first thing he did was feel where the bag once was. A feeling of joy went threw his body. The surgery was a sucess. The surgery had lasted three hours. Dr. Bubba was able to connect the small intestine to his rectum. He was given another PCA pump but was in significantly less pain. That first day nothing much happened. He was able to make a few laps around his ward and even able to eat some green jello.

The next day he woke up to some familiar chills. He immediately remembered the second day after his last surgery and how sick he was. Lucky for him he had the same nurse that took care of him the day he was sick. He pressed the button and in she came. She quickly gave him a basin and up everything came. It didn't hurt as bad as last time, but it still brought tears. She pumped his IV full of medicine to make him stop vomiting. The rest of the day he spent lying in his bed.

That night things started moving again. It is hard to describe how different it feels when he needs to use the bathroom. He no longer could hold it. When it is there, it is there. That day he probably went to the bathroom ten to twelve times. He really wishes he would have known that the night before would be the last night he slept all the way through without getting up. That night he was awaken to the need to go four times. It was the fifth that would embarrass the hell out of him.

The Soldier had been having night sweats for about a month. When he woke up and he was soaking wet he thought it was the night sweats. He got up and went to the restroom and that is when he noticed his gown. He had an "accident." Are you freaking kidding me? What am I 2 years old again, he sat and thought. He went back into the room and was mortified. There was a huge stain. He quickly gathered his bedding and took it off the bed. Now for the hard part. He grabbed his IV stand and went to the nurses station. There sat this cute 18 year old CNA. While looking at the ground he whispered to her. "I think I had an accident." She stood up and said "it happens all the time. No need to be embarrassed." No need to be embarrassed! He wasn't a child and this doesn't happen all the time! He thought. She walked into the room with him and she smiled. "You didn't need to take down the bedding. That is what I am for." She stated. "Yes, I did have too." He mumbled. Unfortunately this would be the first of many "accidents".

Besides the accidents at night the other thing he was dealing with is the amount of times he would have to go to the bathroom. During an ulcerative colitis flair he would use the bathroom between 8 and 12 times. As bad as he thought that was this was worse. After the surgery he was going to the bathroom 12 to 15 times through out the day and night. At night it was 4 to 5 times. For some reason he thought that once he had this second surgery everything would go back to normal. He was sorely mistaken.

The goal for someone in this situation is 5 times a day. It could take up to 2 years to get there. The pouch Dr. Bubba created would eventually stretch. It would never get to the size of a colon but it would stretch so it could hold a little. On one of his check-ups he discussed this with Dr. Bubba. He told her if he had know he would be going this much he would have just stayed with the ileostomy. She understood his concerns. If it stayed like this he would never be able to mountain bike, hike, or do all the things he use to love. It isn't like he could just stop off the side of a trail and go to the bathroom. He would need porcelain or something resembling it close by at all times. Dr. Bubba told him if after two years his pouch didn't expand and he was still using the bathroom this much. She would go in and undo the connection and he could go back to the ileostomy. As much as it sucks to think about living with the bag attached to his stomach the rest of his life. Being chained to the toilet is much worse.

His poor bum was so chafed. The Misses gave him the idea to use baby wipes instead of TP, and to put diaper rash ointment on after to provide a barrier. Maybe he was a child again.